Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
sarcasm needs its own font
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My dick has a subreddit
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
