Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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