It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
