Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
