The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I need to calm my uterus...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
