its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
