You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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