The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
