Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
