Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
