What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
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