dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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