I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
God, I missed his penis.
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