Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
