I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
