Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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