I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
