god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
