is your mom at the bar?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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