your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
