Four minutes until I can fart!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
