in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
