We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
