where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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