I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
