I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
