well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
