I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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