So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
