Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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