I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
