youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
