Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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