very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Send help, water and tortillas.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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