He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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