Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
