She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
