Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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