her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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