beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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