they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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