Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
