my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
