I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
