Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
