Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
