i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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