It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
