so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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