I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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