woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
